The Internet is fucking fucked!

ARGH! Something has happened to my amazing Aldi Laptop (which also doubles as a grill at times) or my wireless transponder is not working because surfing the internet lately is akin to having a swim in treacle. I fear its something rotten lurking inside the Aldi Computo-Grill though, cuz its only web surfing which is fucked, downloading seems to be OK. But using the web has become a horrific ordeal, like i’m back in the dreaded dial-up days. At any moment I expect my Dad to scream at me to get off the phone or stick a huge telephone bill in my face…ahh…the memories. I hope this fixes it self soon, because contrary to popular belief I don’t actually know that much about computers and have no idea how to solve it. Or I could go do something other than look at people getting hit by cars on YouTube, but alas these days television is shit, there’s a storm outside and I am currently knee-deep in a cold that is making my head feel like its trapped in Jabba the Hutt’s cold, dead arse. So i’m fucked and the internet is fucked.

And you know what else is fucked? Arsenal Fucking football club. Memo to Arsene: Give up on the fancy pants stylish football; its ahead of its time. Time we joined the plebs and played boring shite and actually won games the old fashioned way.

there’s a film funnier than Borat out right now….

Yup. I’ve said it. And if you havn’t learned by now my opinion is much more important than yours so its time to pay attention. It’s been a good year for films, it seems every time I go to the cinema lately i’m leaving with the feeling I’ve just seen “the best film of the year”. In stark contrast to not so long ago when I seemed to be constantly wanting to tear my eyeballs out after a string of computer-game based nonsense and inferior remakes, this year has seen gems such as “Right At Your Door”, “Children of Men” and “the Departed”. All have made my jaw drop and my eye-balls bulge. “Borat” whilst maybe not in the same league cinematically as some of those was very, very funny though and was easily as entertaining. By now you probably all know the deal with it, but suffice to say I thought i had seen the funniest film of the year. Now, another thing you should know is that i’m never wrong. But this time, i wasn’t right. For tonight, me and Senór Duffawitz took a trip into deepest Dundalk in the Cobalt Assualt to take in a showing of Jackass: Number Two and I can categorically say it is indeed funnier than Borat. Because whilst Borat made me laugh lots, Jackass made me laugh to the point I nearly got sick, and my film-going friend “nearly shat” himself. It is literally an hour and a half of complete and utter nonsense. Rocket-powered wheelchairs, Old woman’s breasts, Poop, Beer, Bums, Puke, Spunk, Giant rockets, Tiny Indian men, Fat women, Farting, Punching, Peeing and a snake biting a man on the willy. I dunno if it’s art, but I like it. “Borat” might be the populist choice for funniest film of the year, but Jackass: Number Two takes the title for me. Sadly, “Beerfest” isn’t in the running, but there’s a high chance it will win Thing I Never Want To Experience Again In My Life Ever, so hooray for that!

Incidentaly, this blog entry is in the running for most Half-Hearted Blog Entry of the year too.

I have no idea what awards I am talking about.

My very important opinion on Jay-Z’s new album.

So…..ive got college work to be doing so let’s cut to the chase. Jay-Z has a new album out, having come out of “retirement” Now for those you mocked this by saying “ehhh…that was some retirement, wow, 3 years” er, shut up. Cuz let’s be clear on this, on his “farewell” album he actually said he was coming back, so it really wasn’t a surprise. Anyways, its a big deal cuz Jay-Z is this years mainstream media’s favourite rapper (following recent title-holders Eminem, 50 cent and Kanye) and he’s acting the swanky fucker lately hanging out with Bono and Chris and Gwenyth (more on this hum-dinger later) and running record companys and doing ad’s for Dell. Anyways, last week I got to listen to “Kingdom Come” but was holding this off til I got to hear the retail version but sadly all my attempts to buy it this week were thwarted by the extreme abundance of Greatest Hits albums covers the walls of record shops coupled with the fact that if I can’t find what i’m looking for in a shop within 30 seconds of entry I leave immediately. So, fuck it, seeing as though i have something due in tommorow for college I though what better way to pile more pressure on myself then to write a full track-by-track review of the album that 99% of you won’t care about nor finish reading? Great. Let’s go!

This album is good. Not amazing. Not mind-blowling. Not “The Blueprint” or even “Black Album”. But it is good. I think the main thing it proved, for me at least, is truely how good a rapper Jay-Z is. Because there’s some songs on this album that if they were graced by someone else i dont think id listen to them again, but the rhymes alone keep me interested. Up until recently if someone said to me “who’s the better rapper, nas or jay” id probably out of some keep-it-real bullshit have said Nas, but when you think about it, what’s Nas’s big failure been? Poor beats. There’s only a handful of songs on “Street’s Disciple” I go near now, but through out Jay’s career even when he’s flowed on things which wouldnt be my cup of tea, i still find myself going back to them. And here this is never better shown, as overall i think the beats are slightly lacking, but it’s saved by the vocals.

So here it goes, my fairly hastily cobbled together track-by-track thoughts:

[The Prelude] - First of all, jay-z finally works out that you can’t start an album with a interlude (as he did on “Black Album”) and names it correctly. He’s done these intro things better i suppose, alright tho.

[Oh My God] - Excellent! A storming flick-you-in-the-nuts opener. Usual Just Blaze-produced craziness, typical Jay-Z rhymes. Perfect way to kick off the album proper.

[Kingdom Come] - Same as above really. Everyone likes this one. Just takes the same sample that drove Hammer’s “You Can’t Touch It” puts it through his music-blender and comes up with one of his strongest productions ever. Jay does his usual “Im back” cock-swagger rapping. Great stuff.

[Show Me What You Got] - Didn’t like it at first; but its grown on me since. For a lead single from a Jigga album its the strongest since the Dynasty album (which i think kicked off with “Give It 2 Me”, well at least it did over here). Typically flashy pop tripe, but better than when he usually does this stuff. Can’t hate it.

[Lost Ones] - One of my favourites… Produced by Dr. Dre (who provides 4 beats on “Kingdom Come” the kind of news that should make sex-wee come out of a hip-hop fans nostrils,but as i’ll explain doesnt) The beat has its pro’s and con’s. Nice piano sample, with some nice touches, but with a fairly boring Dre-drum pattern. KICK-SNARE-REPEAT. Zzzzz. Anyways, lyrically one of the most interesting with Jigga directly addressing old business chum Dame, Beyonce and his dead cousin (?), sets the tone for the more introspective side of the album. The second verse features him saying him and Beyonce arnt really going out cuz she’s more interested in work. With friends like these..etc.

[Do U Wanna Ride] - Brilliant. When i saw the title/that it featured John Legend i was preparing myself to hate it, but i think its excellent. Not a typical Kanye beat at all, firstly that it doesnt feature the rapper repeatedly telling you its produced by Kanye, and it’s nice and subdued, when it could have turned corny. Also bonus points for the third verse chord-change. Good work men.

[30 Something] - Again proof of how lyrcially Jay can rise above his beats. Interesting topic (how old gits are cooler than young bucks) delivered with humour but over a fairly boring Dre-by-numbers beat. Not a BAD beat, but its like a cast off from “2001″.

[I Made It] - First miss of the album for me. Sounds like a left over from “Blueprint 2″ plus its a topic matter Jay has driven into the ground now (look mother, im rich!). Boring. A “skipper”.

[Anything] Second miss of the album. The wheels are begginging to wobble on the “kingdom come” tricycle. Features Usher over a boring Nepture’s beat and Jay-Z delivering some awkward sex rhymes. Good flow though, and i do give it repeat listens due to this. Jay-Z is getting closer to being declared Roosta’s G.O.A.T. (greatest of all time, for those not down on the hip-hop terminology) as a result. The crowd wait in anticipation.

[Hollywood] HAT-TRICK! Jigga delivers three duds in a row! Not good. Then again he did this for half of “Blueprint 2″ so its no shocker. Stupid Rap-n-Bullshit featuring the missus. (is she even the missus, as he called her a selfish child on Lost Ones? Oh! GOSSIP!) Again good rapping.

BUT THEN. Jay delivers the most SHOCKING rap ever RAPPED by a RAPPING MAN. When i heard this I wanted to burn the mp3 onto a CD, just so i could drop a brick on the CD then take a shit on the shards. He says:

“WHen your friends is Chris and Gwynith”

Now, at that moment, my eyebrow was so raised it nearly launched off my face. Worse than the shit bout being on a boat in the south of france with Bono from another song i thankfully have forgotten about. If fact, im not gonna dwell on this one much longer, as i will end up changing my mind about everything Jay has ever done. But don’t worry, next song Jay is going to bring it back to the gutter. A skipper despite a good vocal showing.

[Trouble] - Another Dre one, which I didn’t like at first, but have grown to. Most interesting thing is the lyrics, kinda part one of Jay’s response to Dipset, and goes along way to erasing the memory of what has just shat in my ears. Old School Jay gangsta rhymes. Uses the term “little nigga” bout a billion times, and then Jigga drops the bomb-line:

“God MC; Little nigga applaud, or forever burn in the fire i spit at y’all”

So, its Jay-Z threating to kill people over a gangsta Dre beat. All is right again in the world.

[Dig A Hole] Meh. Dont really like Swizz Beats, Notable though for Jay going at Cam. More or less admits he shouldnt even bother, and then burys him with one line, that Cam only went platinum when he was on the Roc. Nuff said.

[Minority Report] This is the one everyones jizzing themselves about. Im not crazy on it. Beat is kinda boring, the topic matter is a bit old now. Its nice to hear Jay get overtly political, but the crying-rapping sounds stupid. At least when Ghost does it you know he’s a bit touched in the head. As I said, Not crazy bout it, but its not bad either. Jay is like that old cliche, he’s like sex, even when its bad…its pretty good.

[Beach Chair] Ahhh…this old chestnut. The one produced by the fella from Coldplay. Fully expected this to be trash, but i really like it. Who’d have known the little git from Coldplay could out-produce Dr. fucking Dre on an album? Huge Shadow-esque drums, dramatic strings, and himself whining the chorus all add up to a pretty good song, amazingly. Jay is rattling on about something which i dont quite get, which is odd cuz for a rapper who generally makes a point of pointing out his imagery/metaphors with a bit of “get it wink wink” makes the claim that “life is but a beach chair” and leaves us to work out what he’s on about. A strong closer after what is frankly a weak second half.

So in closing; its a pretty good album. A trio of stinkers in the middle, the rest are either ok or pretty good and one or two stormers. As i said, what stands out for me is Jay’s lyrical game. He’s at the absolute top, and on this he’s touching subjects he’s never gone near. Also kinda shows how over-rated Dre is. people were jizzing themselves over the fact that he produced 4 songs on this, and at their best there just good. Ah well.

Since i got it, ive been giving it steady playage, which i suppose is the best review an album can get. If it will stay there, only time will tell. Next up is Nas, with his Def Jam debut which let’s face it, will be dissapointing. They always are.

Now! That’s What I Call Another Shit Blog Entry!

Holy moly, I took a quick look-see in Tower records today, and no word of a lie I’d say over 70% of the new releases were “Greatest Hits” collections. If that isn’t a sad commentary on our times than I don’t know what is, there is no finer example of how we as a people are willing to get buggered by the powers that be. Even The Beatles, who really don’t need the money, are randomly respewing half their catalogue as “remasters” (Ringo’s drums are slightly louder?). Girls Aloud (whom I was sure formed only last fucking year) have one, as do the Sugababes (likewise). U2 not content with releasing a retrospective thingy a few years ago have decided they could do with ripping off their loyal fans again with “18”, similarly George Michael has collected a number of his songs and imaginatively titled it “25″. (I wait in anticipation for House of Pain’s “1″). I can’t really have a go at the public, being that I myself have purchased both the Beastie Boy’s Anthology AND Greatest Hits, despite owning all of their albums. Its the bold-faced cynicism of the record labels that erks me, specially the sheer volume of these things that are currently out there. Ah well, if we’re stupid enough to buy them then I suppose they should keep doing it.

Incidentally, I was in there looking to buy Jay-Z’s new CD, despite the fact I have had it on mp3 for the last week. Now there’s a man who really does need my money. I mean, if I don’t keep him in riches, what will he have to rap about!? Look out (or not, all the same to me) for my in-depth, over-long and poorly structured review of his comeback album anyday now.

Oh ye of little faith

In conversation with a fellow Gooner this weekend I was taken aback at her derogatory comments towards a certain living God, namely Mr. Thierry Henry. She lambasted him for being lazy, and threatened that “he better start doing something soon” (The exact nature of how she would carry out this threat was never revealed). I was shocked! For in my travels through this world as an Arsenal supporter I had grown to accept that all of us were stubborn, defensive, hypocritical creatures who would never, ever allow a word be said against our beloved French forward. And even when we did criticise him it was always tarted up as praise (as in, my announcement with glee that he was “the most arrogant man ever” but in a way that made supreme arrogance a desirable trait). But here was one of my fellow supporters with genuine venom lambasting our undersiege captain for his current form. I’ve had to spend a majority of this season defending him from godless scum like ManYoo supporters and the like, but now I found myself pitched in battle with a comrade. But it was in the ensuing debate that I had a sort of out-of-body experience and saw what I was doing which was blindly arguing my position without actual consideration for the facts due to a now irreversible loyalty which threatens to overshadow any semblance of logic that comes my way. But, being that I am me, I stopped short of the level of introspection where I would fundamentaly change my stance on Henry, football, or loyalty in general. I hightailed it out of the argument by cryptically saying “you should keep the faith” then I turned and continued to watch the Arse-Newcastle match which was underway. This was a pivotal point in my development as a human being. For the first time in a long time I had allowed a ray of sense to creep into my murky world of stubborn defiance. I clung to a last vestige of hope that my arrogant, wreckless defence of El Capitan would be rewarded. AND LOW AND FUCKING BEHOLD he scored a cracker of a free-kick moments later. So shove it up your holes, the King lives. And with it died any chance of me being reasonable ever again! You can thank Mr. Henry for that.

And if my frankly obnoxious stream of nonsense has left a bad taste in your mouth, you might enjoy this thought provoking look at race relations.

Makes you think.

The only winning move is not to play.

Certifiable.

Graduation 2006 came and went in a drunken blur. Good fun was had….I think? I was like a Skaletrix car, unable to go back or deviate from my course, and when I put my finger firmly on the trigger I spun off the track and careered into the abyss, eventually being spat out onto the Dublin Road. Ah well. Probably should have made more of a concerted effort to moderate my acceleration and stay the course for longer, but it was a fun ride.

Is Bill O’Herlihy the new Malcolm McClaren?

It’s rare I find myself agreeing with Eamon Dunphy so completely but his rant against José Morinho last night was the stuff of legend. He called him a pup, a prat, a disease and probably a cunt. He also memorably remarked that if he wasn’t being paid to, he wouldn’t have watched the match. His wrath, rage and disgust was laser like in it’s precision. Poor Johnny Giles, a man with a more limited vocabulary blew a mind-fuse and was reduced to a shaking,stuttering wreck by José’s antics. Hopefully someone will YouTube the whole thing. I used to be the type who would turn off Dunphy in disgust when he started to talk, but more and more than man (and his fellow pundits) are becoming more entertaining than the football itself. Remember during the summer when Brady was asked for his highlight of the world cup and from all the moments of Soccer brilliance to choose from he picked “David Beckham crying at the side of the pitch”. Hahaha..legend. Compare the RTé pundit shit-kicking to ITV’s fellatio of the Chelsea boss and his team of cheating shites. Dunphy, Giles and Brady are the Sex Pistols of football commentry. Someone needs to send these guys global.