This week there were some rumblings in the press about that state of our youth and their competence in the English language. Specifically the case was made that the rise in popularity of “texting” and instant messaging and BEBO! and other such forms of short-hand, written down communication has had the effect of damaging our ability to use grammar and spelling and syntax and whatnot. Now, far be it from me to cast aspersions on the ability of our nation’s youth to spell and use proper punctuation. Long time readers and even short time readers will be aware of my gleeful disregard for the rules of the Queen’s English. I find spelling and grammar Nazi’s to be crettins of the highest order. (You see what I did there?). But personally what I find more interesting (and worrying) about the effect of texting and online chatting and the likes is not what it has done to our language skills but more the way it has opened up all sorts of problems concerning meaning and context. Dammit, all these years of texting has rendered me incapable of structuring my own thoughts in a coherent manner. DAMN YOU NOKIA! To help explain, I will use a dramatic rendering.
Imagine if you will, you receive this text message from me:
“You are a useless fucking cunt and I hope you get AIDS and die”.
On face value some sensitive types might be offended by that. Even hurt. Now, if that message were delivered by myself and you could see my cheeky grin, my rosy cheeks and as I delivered it I raised my pint and winked at you, you would go “Oh, Roosta, you old blowhard!” and there would be much laughing and thigh slapping. As it is, delivered via the cold medium of electronic text the recipient is simply confused and bewildered, unable to imagine my roguish face. They then reply “Fuck you, you bollix”. And I receive it, and myself falling into the trap, think that my friend is being rude. Thus we both begin a raging war of words, firing insults across the electromagnetic spectrum ad nausea and wishing plagues on each other’s houses. Chaos ensues, only Vodafone is the winner. The point is it’s all about context.
It’s even worse with online chatting. Given the added scope for reply and quicker reaction times, you would think the level of misunderstanding would be lower, but alas, it seems to have the opposite effect. Online chats are more like real-life conversations, but still without the crucial element of a physical reference. Thus things like humour and sarcasm are completely lost, resulting in a complete breakdown in communication. The main problem with myself is that for some reason people seem to think when ever I write something down it is my complete and honest opinion, in all seriousness, hand on Bible swear on my first born. So my many wild accusations, theories and general musings become gospel and thereafter comes confusion and offense. To often have I gotten “ARE YOU SERIOUS!??” sent to me whilst chatting that the time has come to once and for all dispel the rumours. The time has come then, to draw a line in the sand. I hereby decree that you should all know that when conversing with me, I AM NEVER SERIOUS.
When I say that I wish and dream and hope that Old Trafford, filled to the brim with Man Yoo fans, the team past and present and lots of innocent children become attacked by Al Qaeda flying a fleet of explosive filled planes thus resulting in all their fiery deaths – I am not being serious. When ponder on the fact that I believe all drug addicts should be lined up and shot, their bodies used as fuel for old peoples (God bless them) – I am not being serious. When I…oh you get the picture. Now this is not to say that I am a rampant compulsive liar or mythomaniac, I do hold some of the views expressed (I’m not telling you which one). But the point is people shouldn’t take what I say (or anyone for that matter) at face value. In fact this should probably be spread to all aspects of my life, just so as to avoid all confusion. So, if me and you are trapped in a burning building and death is certain and I take you in my arms and tell you what you mean to me, and how you affect my life, I’m only having the sneer. Pay no heed.
I find this breakdown in understanding happens most often when I converse with people about football; for some reason they seem to think that I am talking in my capacity as pundit for Rté. A job which I was not made aware of. I would like to think that when I pray for the fiery deaths of rival teams or when I claim that “4th place is really the winners spot” or that the Champions League is actually a Mickey Mouse competition that people would realize that I am conversing from inside my own rear-end. Sadly, this is not always true. It’s probably because I’m an Arsenal fan and they are simply jealous of our sexually intimidating futuristic style of football that is so advanced it will not be CAPABLE of winning trophies until the rest of humanity catches up with us. Oh but when they do…watch out world! Until then I will unashamedly with pomp and bias and with decreasing reference to reality defend the Gooners. If you don’t like it, read the Sun.
Sidenote: Can you become so self-deprecating that it becomes arrogant? Is it a circle?
There is a lot lost when we do not communicate physically with each other. The addition of wild hand gestures and alcohol slurred words can go a long way to indicating just how much shit talk someone is producing. The cold, electronic means by which we now choose to communicate ha rendered everything to the level of black text on a white background. Still prefer it to the phone. Don’t get me started on phone calls….
I should add an amendment to my new found protocol for chatting with me online, that despite my orders not to take me seriously you should still assume (correctly) that I am right and my opinion is more valid that you. Let’s face it, it is. With these little rules in place you should find chatting with me alot more enjoyable, free from confusion, anger and conflict.
You should also note then when it comes to this blog, dear readers, I am deadly serious. For I like to think that so well crafted are my words that there can only be the utmost clarity, and reading this should be akin to having me standing beside you, whispering in your ear.
