My opinion of this year’s Big Brother housemates

Channel 4 must be trying to break the world record for most cretins in one building. Sunday Independent Life Magazine, you have competition.
Absolute cretins.

Jinx Lennon documentary “Noisemaker” on Rté 1 tonight at 10.15

Hello folks, quick heads up on this.

When the majority of people think “Dundalk” and “music” sadly they think of The Corrs. Which would automatically imply that Dundalk is the blandest place on the planet. It isn’t, it’s a magical place. One day, hopefully, when people think “Dundalk” and “music” they will think of the name Jinx Lennon. Jinx is a local hero; “part punk folk poet troubadour, part gospel music energy preacher”. I don’t have the time nor probably the ability to describe his music well enough, suffice to say the man is a genius. If I were to hazzard a description, imagine Public Enemy reborn as a guitar-wielding singer. From Dundalk. In his own words his quest is “… the pursuit of the perfect one chord ,one note song to hypnotise and uplift you and make you feel like shouting I’m Sparticus when you punch the air and leave the venue.”

Anyways, tonight (Tuesday the 29th of May) on Rté 1 there’s a documentary on him called “Noisemaker”, part of the “Art/Lives” series and I urge you all to ch-check it out.

Links!:
Jinx’s homepage
Jinx on MySpace

LOST SERIES FINALE

HOLY MOTHER FUCKING SHIT.

That was good. How good? Imagine LOST is a big metal box full of amazing things, and there’s a big lever on the side, and up until now the lever was set to “AWESOME”. Well, someone just grabbed it and cranked it up to “MEGA AWESOME”. Now the box is shaking, and steam is bursting out of the sides, and bolts are flying off. Giant cogs inside are spinning wildly and bits and pieces of machinery are bouncing around. You know in Ghostbusters? When the dickless prick from the ETA shuts down the containment field and it starts going mental and all the ghosts burst out and fly around New York? Well just like that, except the Ghosts are amazing things and New York is your mind. Just like that.

Now we have to wait until next year to find out what the fuck is going on. But of course we won’t actually find out, they actually just ask more questions. Ahhh!

Here’s a question, was that the worst description of a TV show ever?

Mr. Tayto launches military coup – Crisp forces bombard Dublin

REUTERS – DUBLIN – Ascendent political potato-man-hybrid Mr. Tayto was today leading a battalion of crisp forces into the heart of Dublin following a failed attempt at election. In a chilling video sent to all major news outlets, and tv3, he demanded a new election be held. Surrounded by his crisp fueled militiamen he warned of “serious repercussions” if his demands were not met.

The crisp spokes person whose audacious campaign had thrilled many during the campaign period launched this surprise attack on government forces when it was clear he was not going to be elected. It began early yesterday when many polling stations began reporting violence as voters discovered Mr. Tayto was not on the ballot. Incensed at this perceived attack on democracy many supporters began violent clashes with police. By early this morning rebel units from the 3rd Cheese and Onion brigade had mobilised in Ballymount, Co. Dublin and began marching on the capital. Skirmishes continued throughout the day as counting began. By this evening, when it became apparent that incumbent Taoiseach Bertie Ahern, whom Mr. Tayto had described as “a fat headed Mafioso type” would gain an unprecedented 3rd term as leader, they had launched their strike on the Army. As of writing, units of the armed forces are struggling to hold positions in the north of the city against Smokey Bacon units. Fighting is continuing through the night, as rumours spread that Tayto has formed an alliance with Gary Lineker, de-facto leader of the British Walkers party. Mr. Ahern is currently in secret meetings with moustached gun-toting maniac and Minister for Defence Willie O’Dea as they attempt to formulate a plan to defeat the rebel crisps.

More on this story as it develops.

I just Rocked the Vote

At least I think I did…. I tried to be as subversive as possible…that 2 might be a 3.

Now what happens? When do I become cool?

When do our problems get fixed?

Today’s the day to fix all the problems!

Yay! Today’s the day we get to pick the people who will fix all the problems! We have lots of problems! But don’t worry, because there’s lots of smiley people on cardboard posters all over the country, and today you get to pick your favourite smiley poster person to fix all the problems…Ireland’s in a terrible way, but the poster-people are gonna fix it right up, fix it up good!

Oh, and any of you scumbags thinking bout not voting? Talk to mister Patrick Diddy-

That’s right, DIE! Die to bits you assholes!

It’s Competition Time!

Would you ruddy well believe it, but Off The Meatrack turns 3 years old today! It’s hard to fathom, isn’t it? Who’d have thought that what began life as a poorly cobbled-together barely-readible pathetic blob of words would become the poorly cobbled-together barely-readible pathetic blob of words it is today. Not I for one.To celebrate this magnifurous event in human culture we have a very special treat for you, a once-in-a-life-time prize draw.What prize you ask? Well, I have come into the possession of an item of great value and rarety, an artefact so desired and precious that as I type J.P McManus, members of the Saudi Royal family and the representatives of many Masonic lodges are racing across the globe to try and tempt it from my grasp. Suffice to say that I hold in my possession a Pepsi Chartshow promotional single on mini-CD of former popular music combo S Club 7’s 2000 hit “Reach”. But before you begin defecating into your hands and screaming like monkeys in heat with excitement, there’s more. Firstly, it’s the EXCLUSIVE Steve Anderson remix, and secondly it comes with a second track that goes by the title “Band Interviews”. Yes! Can you believe it? I could barely believe it myself. I won’t go into the details of how this wonderful item came to be owned by yours truly, but suffice to say it involved much danger and being chased by many spear throwing savages.

Now, I am acutely aware that the single does feature the vocals of former pop-starlet turned racist Jo O’Meara who famously acted like a complete shit towards Bollywood star Shilpa Shetty on Celebrity Big Brother this year. So if requested by the winner of this once-in-a-lifetime prize, I will make sure that the voice of Ms. O’Meara is removed from the recording by carefully taking a Swiss Army Knife and carving her Aryan words from the surface. This is not an exact science so I may destroy the CD completely, but if it’s in cause of the destruction of racist pop music it’s a risk i’m willing to take.

So, how do you win this fantastic piece of pop memorbilia? Simply send me whatever you like to offthemeatrack [at] gmail [dot] com and let’s see what happens*

You lucky sods.

*Most likely outcome – I recieve nothing. Second most likely outcome – I recieve something, but never get round to doing anything about it.

I’m sick of politics.

Let’s look at this picture of a pie instead.

Makes you think, doesn’t it?

I would follow a free pint into hell

It’s kind of hard to have a “quiet night”, with a few “quiet pints” when a man with a television strapped to his chest follows you round the pub enticing you into enter multiple choice quizes with the promise of free pints. I don’t even drink the brand that was being promoted, but if a walking multimedia-installation who looks like a man giving birth to a laptop walks up to you and offers you a free pint if you half-heartidly play the quiz game transmitting from his chest…what are you gonna do? And to add to the allure I even won a free promotional T-shirt to fully emmerse me in the all consuming living advert.

Worst part is however, that after the Palestinian TV-bomber left for the night the bar staff, who obviously had a vat of free booze they had to get rid of, saw that I was a good sport and decided to despense with the quiz and just feed me free pints. And more free pints.

When I was a kid my dad used to always quip that I was “an ad-mans dream!” when ever I whinged that I wanted something. I only realised recently that this was just a way hassle free way to get out of buying me whatever toy it was I wanted that week by implying that it wasn’t because my parents were tight but that I suffered from some kind of mental defect that made me covet things I really didn’t want.

Jokes on them. I’m not an ad-man’s dream. I’m a promo-man’s nightmare. I’ll drink your free hooch but don’t expect me to become a regular buyer. Free pints is all i’m after. And i’m certainly not wearing your free t-shirt either.

Bertie Ahern may be a lying, cheating, greedy, stealing worm…

..but at least he’s a fucking human being! Lordy, lord…Enda Kenny looks like a Thunderbird that’s been possessed by an spirit evil. Look at his eyes, the man has no soul! His voice….like the dark mutterings of a man who was never born..Any man who can make the words “Metro to the airport” send chills down your spine needs to have a holy-water soaked wooden stake driven through his chest.

If you didn’t know the current head honcho in Ireland, Bertie Ahern went head to head on television in a battle of insincere words with the man who would be king, chief political rival Enda Kenny. What a fierce debate ; a stuttering, corrupt simpleton versus a soulless robot from Hell. Thankfully it was presided over by the delightful Miriam O’Callaghan…oh…Miriam….ruthless and beautiful! It has inspired me to enter politics and ruthlessly rise up through the ranks of one of the major centre-right parties so I too can enter a debate on national telly just so Miriam can berate me. Phwoar! Then again, by then she’ll probably be dead old, unless she too is a robot…Maybe Bertie’s a robot …he does talk like that fella from Buck Rogers. Maybe they’re all robots! Nah, Pat Rabbitte can’t be a robot. Who’d build such a useless robot?

It got very heated, Enda Kenny wouldn’t admit that Fine Gael had blatantly lied about crime figures, Bertie stuttered his way round not answering up to the shambles that is our health service..all the while Miriam kept them in check, like a stern headmistress. Note to self: Stop talking about Miriam.

Oh..who to vote for? Think I’ll go for a Greens/Fianna Fail mix. Fianna Fail cuz I simply will not be ruled by that demonic creature. Then again, one of my chief concerns is anti-social behavior and if Kenny got in all he’d have to do is walk the streets in a black cloak and he’d frighten the soft shite out of those hoody wearing bastards.

And the Greens? Well, have you seen that political broadcast with the children? The little buggers scooting about on their mountain bikes? The multicoloured children running round our parks? They need me to vote for them cuz the little blighters can’t vote themselves! How could I not vote for them? Children are our future, especially when Iran take over and the world uses a children-based economy. I digress. I really fucking digress.

Summation? Bertie is regular evil, Enda is actual evil.

Post-script: My dear old father just walked in at the end, drunk as a skunk from a wedding. Enda had just quoted Abraham Lincoln…he threw his eyes to heaven. Then Miriam finished up and he shouted “I VOTE FOR MIRIAM!”