Attn: Weirdo…………..YES YOU.

Who ever stumbled across this site whilst searching for:

“9 YEARS OLD KIDS BEBO”

will you kindly do humanity a favour and stick your balls in a blender.

Straight from the rapper’s mouth.

There’s been lots of talk lately about various people and organisations fighting editing wars on Wikipedia. An American student recently developed a program to track changes to articles on the online encyclopedia that anyone can edit and cross reference the changes with the IP address of who ever did. The result is a fascinating look at some pretty petty skirmishes between people like Apple and Microsoft on each others respective pages.

Today whilst reading up on New York rapper Jeru The Damaja, I came across this fantastic little nugget of info. In the section on “Beefs” (aka rapper’s slagging each others mothers on records) someone is setting the record straight:

Jeru The Damaja never had beef with Blahzay Blahzay they grew up together and remain friends. I should know because I’m Jeru.

There you go.

Suit yourself

A few weeks back I had an interview for a job. Well, I say interview but it was put to me that it would be an “informal chat”, so I considered it as such. I then mentioned it to a friend who said “Oh, you’ll have to get the old suit on then” to which I replied that I wouldn’t. When I said this they burst out with an incredulous laugh, like I had just said I had planned to smear poo on my face before the interview and then set fire to my balls during it. The thought that I wouldn’t put on a suit seemed ridiculous to my friend. So, with that in mind I surveyed some other friends and family about what I should do. Some said that seeing as though it was billed as “informal” and that the type of job it was for wouldn’t require a suit, I shouldn’t and I should just dress like I normally would. Others however were militant in their resolve that I should put on a suit. I questioned of them further, “Why?” I asked. They explained that wearing a suit “just shows your serious about it and want to make a good impression”. This sentiment appears to me to be one of the strangest and inexplainable tracts of logic I have ever heard. The fact that a candidate has put on a certain cut of trousers, shirt and jacket, in a fashion done by MILLIONS of people the world over somehow shows that they are serious about the job? Can someone explain this to me?

The whole concept of the suit, whether it be for interviews, weddings or going to work baffles me. Why did a civilization of free-thinking, sophisticated people decide that we should all dress the same way? That putting on a certain style of clothes means anything about your personality? I suppose it does say one thing about you, you are willing to conform. And maybe that’s what they are really looking for. In tandem with this philosophy that wearing a suit indicates something about your passion for the job, is the idea that wearing a suit makes you act more professionally or work harder, and even more abstractly, this concept seems to only apply to office jobs. Its like some unseen, unknowing force exists in and around traditional offices that can be harnessed and focused by the donning of a particular style of clothing. I recently heard a story about a friend of a friend who worked for some financial company, who did not enforce a dress policy. One day a big client came to visit the office and was disgusted by the fact they did not wear suits. He threatened to take his business away to another company if they didn’t rectify it. What kind of insanity is that? He was dictating how a company should run their affairs? And what was he dictating? That they should dress a certain way? We make fun of Scientologists for what we perceive to be “wacky” beliefs but at the same time we perpetuate our own equally bizarre secular rituals. That very friend who steadfastly believes in the wisdom of wearing a suit himself thinks nothing of lambasting the religious for their beliefs yet he himself buys into  superstition. It goes further than just suits too. Many pubs have a “neat dress” policy, which sometimes amounts to nothing more than a “no runners” policy, like the presence of running shoes on your feet will some how turn you into some kind of trouble-making lunatic. Newsflash: Everyone on the planet wears running shoes.

When I outlined my opposition to this whole culture of suit-wearing implying professionalism or any other traits for that matter, my friend simply replied “that’s just the way it is” which is about as damning an answer as you can get. When someone can’t for the life of them explain why something is the way it is, they usually come out with “that’s just the way it is” which is the biggest non-answer going. I used to get it too from my old bosses at various call-centres where I worked where I questioned the logic of making people who only every interact with clients over the PHONE wear business attire. “That’s just the way it is”. Right. What a silly way it is though. For an entire civilization of people to accept the doctrine that by doing something as arbitrary as putting on a certain style of clothing you are “serious” about getting a job. Doing something that everyone else does anyway, YOU are serious about the job. You might as well judge it on whether or not they had breakfast that morning. Then again, “that’s just the way it is”.

Ian Brown’s new song/video “Illegal Attacks”

No fucking messing with Mr. Brown! Top stuff.

Bears rock

Tonight I watched a documentary about bears and decided that bears might be the coolest thing on the planet. They just hang about, rob picnic baskets and generally chill  out. No wonder Kanye uses a bear as his mascot, they’re the best God damn animal going. Grizzly’s are the main men, big fucking house sized monsters who will fuck your shit up. Polar bears are like arctic camo bears, and Panda’s are just stoned, lazy fat fuckers. Cool.

My friends were somewhat bemused by my admittedly vague attempts to categorize bears as being a cross between “dogs and monkeys”, a theory I revised minutes later when I saw a bear scale a tree as “a cross between dogs, monkeys and ninjas”. As we all know dogs, monkeys and ninjas are cool, so when you combine them you can only have a super-cool mega-animal, and that folks, is the bear. If reincarnation is true, I hope I come back as a bear.

The Bourne Ultimatum kicks ass, punches head, thumps belly and pokes in eye.

You know the way some people call films “Roller coaster rides”, and what they usually mean is that the film has so much emotional ups and downs that it is comparable to a “roller coaster”? Well the Bourne Ultimatum is like a roller coaster ride in that after experiencing it you feel very ill. For when ever Matt Damon’s indestructible emo-spy Jason Bourne decides to punch people the camera starts to have a fit, making for a kind of unpleasant viewing experience. The director no doubt wants to make the action seem “more real”, but could well just be lazily trying to avoid choreographing a proper fight scene.

I really should hate this film, I mean it suffers from alot of the usual modern action movie tripe; nonsense American security babble (“NSA Threat Level 4 Black Ops Strike Team in position in 5!!!”), the CIA as usual can do anything with their laptops (“Quick, make his iPod play easy listening music to slow him down!”) and characters seem to have had a peak at the script such is their all-knowing knowledge of the plot. But despite all this its pretty darn good. I suppose the Bourne films set out their stall to be completely over the top no-brainers (whilst films like Die Hard 4.0 just joined the party late and ruined John McClaine’s legacy) so we just go with it. Apparently even old James Bond has decided to get in this act and copy Mr. Bourne’s style. Too late. Jason Bourne is a much better spy than James Bond, because whilst James Bond ponces about in a tuxedo drinking Martini’s, Bourne says nothing, looks grumpy, kicks your face to bits then jumps through a window for no reason.

He really is a grumpy Gus though. Don’t expect a single Bruce Willis-style quip from Matt Damon. At once stage Bourne caves in some fella’s head in a shower, turns round and I almost expected him to make some kind of bathroom related pun, but no, he just grumpily goes “We have to go”. I suspect the Bourne Ultimatum is the first film in history where nobody cracks a full smile. The director probably used super advanced CGI technology to wipe the smiles (literally) off everyones faces. The closest we get is at one stage when Julia Styles almost breaks into a grin. But in this case I’d say the CGI was used to put that smile on her face, as she seems incapable of enjoying herself.

So, I heartily recommend the Bourne Ultimatum. In the long tired tradition of video covers using bizarre, abstract equations to describe films, I’d say The Bourne Ultimatum is like James Bond having heterosexual sex with Die Hard, whilst Tom Cruise from Mission: Impossible has a sneaky wank in the corner.

Tired of waiting for me to post a new entry?

Fear not! Here’s the quick and easy guide to writing your own Off The Meatrack entry:

Step 1. Take a current film, political figure, television advert or hasbeen Irish celebrity.

Step 2. Think about it for about a second then start writing EXACTLY WHAT COMES IN TO YOUR HEAD.

Step 3. Go back and liberally add some unnecessary swear words.

Step 4. Now continue writing, going off on some completely different tangent with the promise of tying it all together, and barely make an attempt to have a chain of logic.

Step 5. Stop. Check the punctuation, it must be completely wrong. Commas in particular must be either over or underused.

Step 6. Stop writing before you get to a satisfying conclusion, and publish.

Hey presto! There you go. You see you don’t need me, the power is in you!

RIP Tony Wilson

“When you have to choose between truth and legend, … I say choose the legend”

Legend.

Let the games begin!

So, the old English Premier League begins tomorrow. Suffice to say that ManYoo are favorites, having refound their old spending ways. Chelsea didn’t spend much, but have spent enough over the past few years to keep them trucking along and Liverpool have joined the spending club, with their American owners flashing the bucks. Arsenal, as ever, didn’t spend much, but instead sold. Thus, the big four it seems has been redefined as the rich three and Arsenal are nowhere to be seen in the eyes of the arm-chair pundits, the tabloids and ex-footballers who should shut their mouths. As such, Setanta Sports have seen fit to promote the new season on massive billboards throughout the land by showing us the lovely mugs of Rooney, Gerrard and Terry but without room for little Robin or Cesc. In their place though are a bunch of Paddys; Shay Given, good as he is, is still with Newcastle and of course, everyones favorite traitor Roy Keane. When the fuck did everyone in Ireland become a Sunderland supporter? Their shirts are in sports shops, their DVD’s are in HMV and their fanzines are in Easons. Up until last year no-one gave a flying fart about them, now their everyones new favourite club. Still though, it’ll be funny when they get kicked straight back down next year. Look for budget jerseys in a bargain bin near you soon.

As for the Arse? Well, everyone says this is gonna be Arsene’s toughest season ever. I disagree. Since everyone has written them off long before Thierry left, there’s really no pressure on them to do anything. When’s the last time he was in this scenario? Bout 10 years ago, then he went and won the league. Unfortunately he’s gotten things off to a stupid fucking start by names whinger number one, William Gallas as Captain. Which as well as being completely fucking stupid, is a bit of a slap in the face to Gilberto, who steered us through rough times last year. Gallas has done nothing but bitch and moan all pre-season. Hopefully now that the baby has got his bottle he’ll keep it stum. Still, it all kicks off tomorrow, so be prepared for a season of barrel scraping, farcical excuses, silence of football matters when Arsenal lose, and obnoxious chest beating when they win here on the blog.

BOAST GHUSTERS III! GUST BOASTERS III! I MEAN – GHOST BUSTERS III!!!!!

So, there I was writing and editing a long, semi-serious blog entry about life, Buddhism and the nature of reality when I became totally blind-sided by the most amazing revelation to have accosted my eyes and soul in a long time. Whilst idly skimming through Wikipedia (which folks, is 100% right, ALL THE TIME) I found this nugget of information which leapt from the screen, dived through my eye balls, ran around my brain, shot down my spin and made my winky let out some wee.

DAN AYKROYD CONFIRMS GHOSTBUSTERS III!

Ok, ok, so it’s gonna be CGI, BUT Bill Murray has signed up and its gonna allow Aykroyd to finally realise his long envisioned Ghostbusters III plot, with the boys going to Hell. Ghostbusters is one of my all-time childhood favourite things ever, I was a Ghostbusters fanatic as a young ‘un. One of my happiest and proudest moments ever was when a few years ago, me and some friends one a fancy-dress competition when we attended as the Ghostbusters. Ever since Ghostbusters II I have dreamed of a third film, which was held in development hell for ages. Now, the wait may actually be over. Of course this news is from Wikipedia, via an interview Aykroyd gave with what seems to be a country-and-western radio station, but I don’t care what any of you cynical, jaded soul-less demons has to say about this, this is the best news EVER.

So, my musings on life, the universe and everything will have to wait. I’m going to lie down now and hopefully meditate myself into a hibernation style trance. Please wake me when this is in the cinemas! GOODDAY!