Personally, I think it’s going to rain sweets!

The strangest thing about this current recession/global economic meltdown/end of world scenario is how some people are tripping over themselves to be the greatest harbinger of doom. Its like a big dick swinging contest to see who can be the most pessimistic.

“Half the people are going to lose their jobs. Definitely”

“Are you having a laugh? Everyone is going to lose their jobs. And people without jobs are going to lose their eyes”

“Your money is actually going to melt in your pocket”

“ATM machines are going eat children”

“The Chinese are going to buy the moon and crash it into Europe”

I dunno if it makes them feel better to imagine such an amazingly shit future. I wonder if these people usually just sit round seeing who can be the most depressing.

“I’m definitely gonna get cancer of the eyes”

“With any luck i’ll be stabbed to death by a junky”

“I’ll probably get diabetes and shit my insides out”

However its not like i’m some kind of head-in-the-sand delusionist. If anything I have the wildest imagination of them all. My scenarios involve enslavery to a race of 10 foot high lizards. I just don’t feel the need to out do anyone.

I wasn’t aware 9/11 was a question..

But according to the Dundalk Leader, we have the answer.

And its a helicopter crash near Bettystown. Frankly, I’m disappointed.

Fuck the Large Haldron Collider!

The Japanese are building A LADDER INTO SPACE.

A FUCKING SPACE LADDER. OR SPACE LIFT, IM NOT SURE, ITS NOT CLEAR.

When I read 2063: Odyssey Three many years ago when I was a little nerd I laughed my pants off when I read about the space elevators in it. I always thought Arthur C. Clarke kept his crazy space stories anchored in some kind of possibility. But here was talking about lifts that go up into space. My pants literally came off and flew across the room as I sat there reading science fiction. (Well, that’s what I told me mam).

Anyways, skip forward many years and here I am just browsing the internet and my pants flew right off again. That’s what I told my girlfriend anyways. A LADDER INTO SPACE. That’s the way to do it. Don’t fanny about with proton accelerators that break down and don’t do anything. Build a fucking lift into space.

I also note how articles about this reference Mr. Clarke’s amazing vision to foresee this, yet neglect to credit the equally cutting edge work of a Mister Roald Dahl when he envisioned great glass elevators that could go into space. For shame.

Anyways, I’ll be so impressed if this gets made. I just hope its not like the lift in my apartment block and gets filled with unwanted flyers for Chinese restaurants.

“the world of men and money and power hums along quite nicely on the fuel of fear and contempt and frustration and craving and the worship of self.”

This is one of the best pieces of writing I have ever read. The author killed himself this month. That fact puts the entire thing into a strange new light, one that I’m not completely sure negates or enforces the argument. It might do neither. Anyways, I recommend giving it a read.

Because here’s something else that’s true. In the day-to-day trenches of adult life, there is no such thing as atheism. There is no such thing as not worshipping. Everybody worships. The only choice we get is what to worship. And an outstanding reason for choosing some sort of god or spiritual-type thing to worship – be it JC or Allah, be it Yahweh or the Wiccan mother-goddess or the Four Noble Truths or some infrangible set of ethical principles – is that pretty much anything else you worship will eat you alive. If you worship money and things – if they are where you tap real meaning in life – then you will never have enough. Never feel you have enough. It’s the truth. Worship your own body and beauty and sexual allure and you will always feel ugly, and when time and age start showing, you will die a million deaths before they finally plant you. On one level, we all know this stuff already – it’s been codified as myths, proverbs, clichés, bromides, epigrams, parables: the skeleton of every great story. The trick is keeping the truth up front in daily consciousness. Worship power – you will feel weak and afraid, and you will need ever more power over others to keep the fear at bay. Worship your intellect, being seen as smart – you will end up feeling stupid, a fraud, always on the verge of being found out.

Full text.

Proposed theme song for new Bond film

I Like it!

Via Scumiskey.

Have we learned nothing from the Duke Brothers collapse?

People are acting like this Lehman Brothers thing has never happened before. How quickly we forget. I bet you the Lehman Boys fucked with the wrong dudes too.

Matt Damon on Sarah Palin

Haha..pretty much sums it up…

Good man, Matt.

Latest dispatch.

I’m sick.

Not ’sniff-sniff woe is me’ sick. And not ‘i’m going to die and need expensive medical care’ sick. But shivering and sweating at the same time, legs feel like jelly, knees and finger joints feel sore, smashed tired but can’t sleep, nothing tastes right, head in concrete, nose flowing like the Amazon, dizzy, nauseous, nothing is entertaining but being horizontal and crawling up into a foetal position, lying awake at night thinking i’m inside a David Lynch movie sick.

I will now continue my now daily routine of putting the lid down on my laptop, aimlessly flicking the telly for an hour, going to bed for an hour, getting up and opening the laptop, getting pissed off at the laptop, closing it, and lying on the couch indefinitely.

That is all.

Sir Michael Parkinson, chimpanzee.

I had always assumed that British television presenter Michael Parkinson was an intelligent man. I don’t know why, but I just did. He’s well spoken and he’s thought of in high regard. However it has come to my attention that “Parky” has the mind of a chimp. A stupid chimp at that.

There are ads running on telly at the moment for Sky Television’s new “Sky+” service which, when you strip away Sky’s usual mindless hyperbole, is essentially the ability to record television. Now to me, or you, or anyone else who has a semblance of intelligence, this is not special. Because we’ve been doing it for FUCKING DECADES. Yet Sky would have you believe that they have magically tamed the cosmos and their special box of tricks is the first ever device to be able to trap television waves for watching at a convenient date. They call it Sky+. We called it taping.

To unveil their diabolical device to the masses they’ve wheeled out some celebrities to give testimonies to its awesome power. So here we have well-spoken, grown up Knight of the British Empire, Sir Michael Parkinson acting like a primitive caveman who has just been shown fire, scratching his ape brain and tripping over himself to find the words to describe this magical device. Fuck me. It didn’t cause me near as much wonderment when I was 4 years of age in the mid-80s and my mam was able to record the cartoons for me when I went off to school.

Also appearing in the ads is Kelly Brook whos praise for Sky+ is less ape-like bewilderment and more “this has saved my life!”. Kelly, who seems to do nothing else but appear in ads for Sky+, is suitably busy enough that the ability to record her favourite shows has made her life “so much easier” including the ability to “eat when she wants”. Ms. Brooks, apparently, is such a slave to her viewing habits that she will sit and stave to death rather than miss an episode of Sex and the City. Here’s a bit of advice, stop recording ads for Sky+ and you could sit at home and watch the shows when they’re on.

Finally international gang stalker Ross Kemp chimes in with his own idiotic ME-NO-UNDERSTAND-BUT-ME-LIKE speech. Kemp marvels that he is able to use Sky+ to record something that is on at a later date, because the usual setting the video timer is above him apparently. Tell you what, if any of those gangs that Ross bothers on his show ever want to give him the heave-ho so they can steal his camera and rape his corpse they should distract him by showing him a fucking yo-yo.

Answer me this.

Why is it that the only key on my keyboard which is dirty is the one I never, ever use? The offending key in question is the Capslock key, easily the most useless key ever invented. Who in their right mind needs to switch up to capital letters temporarily because they can’t hold down the Shift key long enough? I’ll tell you who, the knuckle-dragging idiots who comment on YouTube videos with stuff like “LOL YOU FAG OBAMA IS A SECRIT HINDU FAG”. That’s who.

I just had a wonderful idea! Someone should come out with a computer that electrocutes to death anyone who uses the capslock key! Then we we could actively target and destroy the idiots who type like that! I bet you Apple would be interested in that. Must email it to Steve.

Speaking of typing on the internet, whenever my friends make fun of me for being a GASP! “blogger” they embellish their insults with a wonderful impression which features me typing on the internet with weirdly shortened arms like I am some kind of computer-using Tyrannosaurus Rex. I don’t get it. Surely if we bloggers are on the internet all day, everday, constantly typing out our nasal-voiced, snot-nosed opinions and not getting any sunlight/exercise or talking to women then our arms would become large and elongated due to their constant use? Surely we would sport greatly evolved super-arms that would allow us to constantly spew our nerdy thoughts out into cyberspace? Ha, touché fuckwads!

Please don’t beat me up.