Lads.
Come on.
What’s going on? What’s this all about?
What are you trying to prove?
If its “i’m a fucking twat”, well done. You couldn’t have done a better job unless you had a big neon flashing sign that said “I AM A FUCKING TWAT” above your head. If it’s not however, what is it?
You’re making us all look bad. You’re hurting all of us.
Sort it out.
If the amount of new imminent threats to society continues to grow at this current rate, by next week there will be a new BREAKING NEWS THREAT every single second, overloading the capacity of Sky News to terrify us with this information. They will have to employ many supercomputers and 17 simultaneously talking animatronic Eamon Holmes’ to relay this, along with infinitely multiplying news-tickers, causing televisions worldwide to explode. Then exploding televisions will become the latest menace to Joe and Jane Public. Thus the reporting of menaces will incur menace.
The meta-threat will be born.
In a darkened room Rupert Murdoch is gigglingly incessantly.
There is a film out called “Fighting”. It is about fighting.
Have we gotten that bad? Is it that bad? Has the text-messaging-super-sweet-16-MTV-dipshit generation actually regressed to the point where not only do they just make films about cunts beating each other up to entertain them but they have to label them with the simplest description possible. Were they worried that the nu-metal soundtrack and trailer featuring people fighting and the deep voice man talking about fighting wasn’t enough? Was there the fear that they might think its about gay cowboys?
It’s a miracle that “The Fast and The Furious” wasn’t just called “Driving”, although for the latest incarnation of that series of cinematic masterpieces they saw fit to dispense with the word “the” lest the length of the title put off any troglodytes.
Have to go, MTV are showing the best bits of Kerry Katona’s life falling to bits.
After Wednesday’s Champions League game, did you remark “Football was the winner tonight”?
Congratulations, you are an idiot.
So that’s that. The grand adventure that is Champions League 2009 is over for the Arsenal. We were well beaten, and there are no excuses. I wish we hadn’t have gifted them 2 goals and got them on their way.
I will however, aim my laser-beam of derision at RTE. Their bias towards United is well known, but its become comically pathetic. Manchester United are a good footballing side, no doubt, and they deserved to win, but the lads on RTE were queuing up to lavish increasingly elaborate and outlandish praise on United from the get go. Caeser Lopez in Glasgow, asked me prematch, “Has O’Herlihy started talking shit about United yet?” and lo and behold before a ball was kicked he was off, and he got the rest of them going. During the match this was evident too, witness Ray Houghton immediately leap to Fletcher’s defence before he saw the replay.
They will talk Arsenal up as a young and exciting side, then use that same youth as a knife against them. They also launched into a tirade about Arsenal’s finances, in which Giles and Dunphy got their back up when confronted whilst they were completely in the wrong (for example about the reasons behind Flamini leaving). They are a pack of twats, and sadly, we pay some of their wages via the TV license that is forced upon us. They employ the same sensationalist guff that Sky News do, for the same reason, not to enlighten, or inform but to make sure you will stay tuned through the ad breaks. The truth is a meaningless concept to these hasbeens.
Alas, there is nowt else to say about the football. The Arsenal weren’t good enough.
But, at least they ain’t twats.
Honestly, if this Swine Flu things blows over I will never, ever, ever believe a single thing I see on the news. Not even a sports result. They have lead us to believe that the Plague is imminent. Remember, that in a world of 6 billion people, 19 people have died from this. But clearly this news is not important to Sky. The End Is Nigh. The Recession didn’t scare us enough it seems, so its time to bring out the big guns. TOTAL FUCKING BIOLOGICAL ANNIHILATION.
Sky News live for moments like this, they’ve whipped out the over-the-top graphics, complete with ominous alien-looking spinning 3D green snot molecule to remind us at all turns that the enemy-is-at-the-gates. Or in this case, the enemy is INSIDE YOUR MEXICAN NEIGHBOUR.
They’ll be hard-pressed however to outdo their finest sensationalist graphics moment, which is their current “Recession” theme which features gritty Banksy-style stencil graffiti art, as if they are reporting from a dystopian future, where society has collapsed (due to the recession you see) and anarchy has spread, infiltrating even the graphics teams at international news stations. We are ON THE FUCKING BRINK. And Sky must remind us via all means necessary.
The other day, I shit you not, amidst the chaos of 7 simultaneous news ticker marquee’s all relaying doomspeak in different directions, this was the BREAKING NEWS: “12 year old girl recovering from flu at home”. What’s next? BREAKING NEWS: “Man with hangover can’t keep breakfast down”.
Although I am wary of becoming a tin-foil-hat-wearing bus depot lunatic, like Jim Corr, I do feel the hand of the conspiracist in this. Not that some wacky scientist has launched this virus at the behest of the Illuminati, but that the news companies are ramming this down our throat in order to keep us glued to the goggle box. The formula is clear: They make their money off selling advertising. We’re not gonna sit watching their channel if all is well. When all is well we go outside and we enjoy the world. But, if things are not well, we must stay tuned. We can’t go outside, as outside is full of pirates, and infected Mexicans, and bankers and Amy Winehouse. No, we must keep watching. So they sell ads. So, all in all, its all aload of cock. So, what do we believe?
Holy shit. Its like they got a time machine back to ‘95, recorded a new song and filmed a video. This is like nostalgia crack.
From Raekwon’s long awaited “Cuban Linx II”
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